2004-10-01
Weigh-in (HA!): 219That's right, my 10 day challange was a complete bust. I failed at day one and then every day after. I ate everything I could get my hands on.
All last week I just hated myself. I felt so gross that I didn't even want poor Eric to touch me, even for a hug. I treated him like crap so he would stay away from me. How stupid was that? He thought he did something wrong and thought I was angry at him. But truth be told, I was very angry at myself.
I tried to figure out why the hell I'm continually doing this to myself: Is it stress? My mom is in a not so great marriage right now and that makes me sad and I worry about her. Is it anger and childhood pain? I'm still really mad at my dad right now not only for the shabby way he treated us as kids, but for the bullshit he's trying to pull now a days. Is is boredom? How can I possibly be board with an infant in my care? Who knows? I still can't figure it out. It could be none of those things, it could be all of them and more. I just wish I could figure it out so I can fix it.
One thing I do know is the the whole 'numbers' game that goes along with dieting is very depressing. Through out the day I would put my calories into fitday. If I had low calories I would eat "just a little of this or that because I can fit it into my day" and in the end it would turn into this huge binge that would exceed my total calories for the day. OR, if my calories were too high for the day I would say f-ck it and just start binging. "Who cares anyway, I've blown it today and so I'll get back on track tomorrow, right?" Psht, yea right!
Same kind of thinking with the scale. Too high=eat, lost some=eat.
Since Monday I havn't counted calories. Not even in my head. However, I'm not using it as an excuse to go on a eating free-for-all, on the contrary my weight is down 4 lbs since Monday so I'm feeling ok with this. I've been eating breakfast, lunch and dinner at the dining room table. I'm eating what I want, just sensible portions and decent choices. No snacking. Well, sometimes a snack if I'm truly hungry. And after I get the whole eating thing down I will start to count calories again. Baby Steps!
*knock on wood, writing this down scares me. Like I'm jinxing myself*
I've got to get my eating under control. I know I'll probably still have my bad days, but I hope over time they will become fewer and fewer. Hopefully if I ever have a moment where I slip up and binge, I'll pick myself up the very next moment. Maybe by not looking at a huge caloric number, I will be less inclined to give up the whole day to binging.
*sigh*
I'm about at my wit's end with all this.
On a lighter side, here are my guys. This is my absolute favorite picture. Look how little D is looking up at his daddy with that HUGE smile. It's one of his first awake smiles and I was so shocked I almost didn't get it. This picture brings joy to my heart every time I look at it. I love them both so much!!
