2003-11-01
The problem with not eating and bingeing is the thousand-miles-per-hour thoughts that constantly run around in my head.Anyways, first things first: we counter offered on Mr. K�s counter offer and he agreed! Yea!!! We have an inspection on Monday and if it all goes well we will have a house. We have to sign the loan papers and I worry that they will find something wrong and not give us a loan. Geez, do I have to worry about everything???
This week has been really interesting. I've noticed that since I�ve been off the Pill I haven�t been over eating and I haven�t had a binge craving like I used to. I realized that this week. I remember that the third week of my pill-pack made me crazy every month. It got to the point that I would actually prepare myself for a week of bingeing because it was inevitable. Not only would I be a raging bitch, but I was a hungry, angry, don�t-try-to-take-my-food-away raging bitch, eating every thing in sight!!
Lately, however, I�ve been feeling very strange internally. In my heart as well as my brain. I feel as if everything that I ever did that was wrong, every decision that I made that didn�t turn out, every stressor that is going on right now is sticking on my mind like burrs in fur; bubbling up for me to ponder over and over again. I now see why I�ve had such a problem with �eating the pain away�. I�m sure over the years I ate just so I wouldn�t have to deal with anything. And the time I was my heaviest (305 lbs) was my most confusing time in life. Now that I�m not eating and all these issues are coming forward I just don�t have the appetite to eat. I�m walking around with a head full of jumbles and a knot in my stomach.
So now what do I do now? Some of these issues I have prayed for forgiveness and still they come up. I can�t escape the guilt I feel over them, yet they aren�t just something I can get out in the open and forget. I�m realizing now that my present life (and married life) is not as smooth and wonderful as I once thought and I�m so conflicted. I now have to deal with things I would rather not remember or live through and it�s so hard.
I think I�m bordering on depression, but for some reason, a first for me, I don�t feel the need to run out and get my Celexa or Zoloft prescription filled. I feel like all these issues need to be dealt with the best way I can and hope my guilt over some of them won�t get too overwhelming.
I�ve said it before and I�ll say it again: I pray for peace. I really do.
Well on a lighter note: the Blazers are playing and I want to go watch them make fools of themselves. They leave so much to be desired, don�t they? Maybe they�d do better if they�d stay away from the weed!!
Goodnight and Happy Sunday!