2004-07-28
After eating a gut bulgeing piece of left-over baby shower cake I had to take matters into my own hands. I put on a pair of sweat shorts and a tank top, a pair of socks and my sneakers, put baby D on the couch and did a couple of Denise Austin workouts that I had recorded earlier in the week.I thought they looked cheesey, but they kicked my butt. I'm so out of shape it's pathetic!
I plan to do another couple of workouts tomorrow morning. I need to get over this binging mode I'm in.
I'm in such denial about myself. I keep saying "I'm fine the way I am" but I'm really not. I don't like being fat. For once in my life I want to buy clothes in the regular stores, not feel like a hippo when I go out some where, I want to email pictures with me in them and not feel self-conscience about how bad I look and how huge my double chin is and how fat my stomach is.
I'm still trying to eat those feelings away, but it's getting harder and harder. These feelings of sadness about my weight are starting to out weigh the easiness of denial. I don't want to get to the point where I start to hate myself. I could easily fall into that pattern again and I don't like how that feels. I don't want to get to the point where I'm lying to E about why my eyes are puffy and why my throat is sore. I don't want to get into screaming matches with the mirror again. I don't want baby D to grow up in that enviroment. He's so sweet and innocent and doesn't need that dark cloud over him too.
I've got to just take it one little step at a time. I'm not sure where to begin, but I don't want to wake up tomorrow and start another day of this non-stop eating. It's bringing me down and making me feel crappy.
I also need to get some studying done so I'm grounding myself from my computer. I'm going to put the power cords to both computers in E's car and I swear if I wind up watching TV all day I will put that in his car too!! I mean it!