2003-08-18
This weekend was the first time in 3 weeks that I didn�t write out my food and I wasn�t so strict about what I ate. However, I think that I did a pretty good job of keeping a grip on myself. On Friday we were working on my car and I didn�t cook, so we ate out. We went to Chili�s for lunch and I had one of their �guiltless� meals and for dinner was Subway. On Saturday, I went to a baby shower and didn�t stand by the table and graze like in the old days. I just grabbed � of a bagel with cream cheese, took it to my seat and didn�t go back for more. For dinner with my dad and step mom, we went to a yummy Mexican restaurant and believe it or not I did not have a single chip! I ordered the fajitas and took enough home for both E and I to have leftovers tonight. On Sunday, at the garlic festival I had a large corn on the cob with no butter and a little salt. For dinner (again with my dad and step mom), we went to Applebee�s and I got a sandwich with a side salad. I didn�t know that the sandwich would be grilled with a ton of butter! E and I have not eaten out this much for a long time. It is amazing to me to think we ate 5 out of 6 meals out!E noticed this weekend that a lot of my conversations with my dad are about how much food we all gorged ourselves on while I was growing up. Funny thing is that I kind of noticed too, because at one point, when my dad was talking about this certain dip he used to make and how my family used to just scarf it up, I was actually getting embarrassed. I don�t really want my husband to think I�ve always been a big pig. Even though he�s only known me fat, I don�t like to think that he envisions me shoving food in my mouth. Yuck!
The sad part is that now that I think of it, eating large quantities of food is all my family ever used to do together. We never went on vacations, or sports events, or movies, or even just to a park to mess around. The only happy memories my family has is with food, because if our mouths were stuffed with food, we couldn�t yell or cut each other down.
That paragraph makes me want to cry.
That�s not how I want to live out the rest of my life. With the only thing that makes me happy is food. There is so much in my life that I could focus on and grow with. I want to make other memories out in the world, looking at the beautiful sites, seeing what else is out there past the plates mounded with food.
I know that I will always have to watch what I eat. I�ll always have to focus on eating for fuel and not just because it tastes good or feels good at the moment. But hopefully I can teach myself how to have healthy habits and how to control my cravings with food that is good for me rather than junk.
Wow, this entry is pretty deep.
And long enough.
Good night.