2005-01-06
I�m done.I have been thinking about this for a while now and I�ve come to the decision that I am done with dieting and feeling guilty about my weight. I�m done with hating myself for being fat and having no self control. And I want to be done with punishing myself for those things.
I have a husband that adores me and loves me just the way I am and tells me every day. I have a beautiful, healthy son who is the apple of my eye�Who could ask for more?
This is not an excuse to flop down on the couch with a bag of Cheetos and stuff myself silly. As a matter of fact, I�m hoping that this will help me to be not so preoccupied with food all the time and focus on other things. Right now I have two mentalities: 1) �I can�t eat what I want, so I will eat everything else!� and 2) �I have to start being good tomorrow, so today will be eat-till-you-puke day!� I eat and feel guilty, then I eat to make the guilt go away. It is an endless cycle that is making me crazy.
Does this mean that I love my self just the way I am and I�m accepting the fact that I will be fat forever? NO! I still think my body is gross, and I�m not for �fat acceptance�. I fat-accepted myself to 305 lbs years ago and will not do that again. And as for my body, the truth is that it has so much damage from years of being so big, that if I lost all the weight that I wanted it would look just horrible. Then what? I�d still hate myself and punish myself. That is what I want to stop. I don�t want to struggle and struggle to lose weight only to feel the same as I do now. What�s the point?
I have discovered that I do like to walk on my treadmill, so I will continue to do that. I want to start eating healthy, as a family, not just for weight loss. We need to teach little D about healthy eating and activity, so why not start now? It will be good for all of us.
I�ve also been thinking of ending this blog for now. I know that sounds dramatic, but the reason for the lack of updates is usually because this is a diet diary and it is another thing that makes me feel bad that I can�t have a positive report on weight loss. I feel guilty and that I�m such a failure and I think it may be time for a change. I�ve started another blog that is about my sweet, boring life instead of weight loss. It�s kind of nice to just write and not feel like I�m avoiding something.
Thank you to everyone I have met through this site. Thank you for all your encouraging words and comments. It�s weird to me that there are people out there that read this, but at the same time it makes me smile. I�m sorry that I could not be a great inspiration to you as some of you were to me. Of course I will keep up on my favorites reads and keep up with your adventures and will continue to wish everyone the best.
Maybe one day I will continue this journey when I am ready. But for now I will take a different path.
Love to you all,
~jae