2004-12-09
This is not a bitch session about my parents. Just an insight on the people who raised me. I�m trying to work through some issues within myself and I�m hoping this will help me figure it all out.Most people who know my parents really like them. They are nice, accommodating and friendly. My dad likes to laugh really big and slap you on the back. My mom is pretty as can be, always dressed nice, with a sweet smile and she�s a wonderfully perfect hostess.
But underneath it all, my parents are very angry people. They really hated each other and fought terribly, not just verbal fights, but physical. I�m not sure why my dad is an angry person. He denies this and thinks that he�s the happiest, most jovial person in the world. (He�s a lot like his own mother, who was angry at the world.) My mom is angry because her mom demanded perfection from her. No matter how hard my mom tried, my gramma was never satisfied. (My auntie verifies this.) Therefore, my mom demands perfection from us and is never satisfied.
My mom was really hard on us growing up. We were always too fat, too sloppy, to vain (if I looked in the mirror too long she�d ask me if I was in love with myself!), too lazy, too dumb�. I know she did these things because that is how she was raised. But I think you have to stop blaming your parents at some point and break the cycle.
That is what I�ve been trying to do for years.
I was not surprised when my parents divorced when I was 25. My mom always said that as soon as we kids were out of the house she was leaving and that is exactly what she did. And even though I was not shocked that they divorced (it was a long time coming), I was shocked that they actually had the balls to go through with it. It hit me like a ton of bricks that two people who had been together for 30+ years could just call it quits. But it made me take a long hard look at myself and the way I was.
Over the years, I have taken a lesson from my parents of what not to do. If I found myself reacting they way they would, I switch it around. I don�t nag my husband. I don�t bitch at him for his hair clippings all over the bathroom, or socks on the floor. When I get sick of something, I ask him kindly to pick up after himself and he usually complies. When he does his best to clean the house, I say thank you, give him a big hug and never mention the crumbs left on the counter or dust on the table. I just appreciate that I have a hubby that will actually help out.
I�ll continue this when it comes to raising little D. I want him to have happy memories of parents that were loving and kind to each other, of laughter and growing up in a house filled with love. I will not expect him to be perfect and I will be proud of him when he does his best. I will allow him to be a little kid and not some germ-free doll propped on the couch.
My parents are still hard on us after all these years. (I have never blamed my brother for moving three states away.) The older I get, the more I pull away from them and it makes me sad. I wish I could have a strong and loving relationship with them, especially my mom, but some days I�m not sure if I want to put myself through it. It�s so easy for their negativity to rub off on me and I hate the way it makes me feel. I don�t want anger in my heart. Over the last couple of months, I�ve been realizing that even though I�m trying to be a wonderful wife and mother I�m still harboring hurtful, hateful feelings towards myself.
I�m trying to push out that self negativity and love myself and make myself believe that I AM worthy of happiness and goodness, while trying to maintain a relationship with very negative, angry people.
I need to be a strong grown up, but a lot of times I feel like a little kid cowering in the corner.