Life is a journey, one step at a time.

2004-08-11

The other day both E and I wanted to go out to dinner. We really couldn't because I'm not bringing in a pay check so we don't have alot of extra cash hanging around, and then there's little D, we take him out, just not very often at this point.

I think we wound up having hot dogs and I whipped up some home made mac and cheese, and we ate, had a good conversation and called it good.

E said later to me that he was happy that we just ate something at home and we didn't waste money on eating out. "Our stomachs got full, thats all that matters. Then we move on to other things."

When I first met him he was really, really poor. He was single, living by himself, had rent to pay, a nice car he was making payments on and insurance for it. To him food was something that was nice to have if he had any money left over to get some. Grocery shopping to him was a gallon of milk, loaf of bread, cheese and hotdogs. Literally. And that would last him a long time! When we first started dating, I was amazed that I had met someone in the world that didn't make food a priority. What?? When I was single and poor, I didn't have a car, but you can sure bet that my cupboards were fully stocked and I had some fast cash to hit the drive-thrus with (of course a friend had to drive me!)

Although, there is just one small time in my life that I could relate. I was struggling to lose some of my 305 lbs and I think I was at about 290 when my Dr. put me on the wonder drug Redux. Wow! For once in my life I wasn't consumed with food. Sometimes I didn't even remember to eat!! I went from eating 7 items from T@co Be11 in one sitting to just one item and being totally satified. I remember thinking to myself: "It's just food, if I want more, I'll get go again tomorrow." And I did. I think I got one item every day for about a week, then I was done with TB and moved on. I felt so "normal". I wasn't bogged down always thinking about food, wondering what I would have for my next meal while I was still eating the current one. How liberated I felt!

(It was also great to quickly lose about 50 lbs!)

I wasn't on Redux for very long and soon my liberation was over. Fortunately, I haven't gained back the 90+ pounds, but the weight of food came back on my shoulders and it seems I can't control it the way I could with pills.

I think back to all the times I have eaten or binged or went out to dinner even though I had plenty to eat at home and I can't recall the food. Was it good? I guess sometimes it was and sometimes it was only ok. Did it make me feel good? I guess at the time, sure. Either it was a comfort, or fun social time. But a lot of times it left me feeling guilty and bad or over-stuffed, or regretful that I spent money on something that could have gone better spent elsewhere.

My point is that I wish my brain would register that food is only food. Not love or comfort. Not a friend that you can chat with. Food is just there to fill us and fuel us and that's only a small fraction of what life is about. The bigger fractions of life are to be filled with love and comfort by people that love us and make us feel warm and happy and are there for us to care about and love back. Because in the end, kissing your sweetheart or child is way more rewarding and memorable than kissing a Big M@c.