2004-06-30
Well I guess it's time to get back on the wagon and turn this diary back into a weight loss journal.First of all, I have to say that I really hate my body. I feel like it has failed me. E wants me to remember that our baby is great and therefor I should be celebrating. Yes, I understand that, but I still can't make milk. It is so frusterating to pump and pump and nothing comes out. It really pisses me off.
I've always hated my body. I was always pissed that I wasn't skinny and little like all my friends growing up. Why did I get stuck with a crappy metabolism? Why did I have to be the fat one? They seemed to be able to eat whatever and never gain a pound, looking all cute and having all the guys stare at them, then there was big fat me, never eating in front of anyone, looking like a out of place blob dressed in out of style K-m@rt fat lady clothes.
I've yelled at my body, I've punched myself in the stomach until I had huge black and blue marks shouting back. I've eaten and eaten and eaten until I threw up and if I didn't just throw up I would ram my fingers down my throat until I did. I've hated my body for as long as I can remember and because of that I've never taken care of it. Now I feel like it's getting the last laugh. Because I didn't love my body and take care of it and nurture it, it is failing me.
But, I'm trying not to dwell on it too much. They say stress lessens milk suppy even more.
Anyway, lately I have been trying to make myself believe that my weight doesn't bother me. "I'm not that fat, I'm just chuncky!" is what I have been saying to myself. I went shopping the other day and tried on a couple of things, and of course they didn't fit, but I just pushed the feeling of dissapointment away and started looking at housewears--staying far away from the clothing section.
But today we got invited to a wedding reception that will be on Saturday. Quickly my thoughts turned from "Oh no, What will I wear?" to "I'll be the fattest girl there, and E will become embarrassed of me because all of his old friends will have beautiful girlfriends and wives and I'm so gross!"
Nah, I my weight doesn't bother me at all.
So I have decided to get with it and start to work on my weight. I'm not going to do anything drastic, just count calories using fitday, and I need to start walking or something easy like that. I'm going to weigh in every week, I don't know what day yet, maybe Sunday, just because it is the begining of the week. I'm going to take it slowly and not beat myself up if I don't lose gobs of weight real fast.
Maybe I'll start trying to take care of my body and being nice to it. Let go of some of this hate I have for it and accepting it a little. After all, I did grow a beautiful little boy in this body of mine. And that's something, right?