2004-06-29
When E and I first got serious he let me know that he would always love his mom and sisters best. He has never said otherwise so I guess it is still true so far.As mother-in-laws go, mine was pretty good. She is always nice and does her best to make me feel welcome. But in the back of my mind I always see her as someone I am compaired to, and even similiar enough to her to make me know that that is why E chose me to be his wife. We are both strong, opinionated and hard headed. The only way I'm her complete opposite is the way we treat our men. I dote on E and for that she thinks I'm weak. She gives me a hard time about it, but oh well. (His dad thinks E's a lucky man!)
She doesn't like alot of people. She hates her family, so therefore she took her kids away from them. She doesn't like her son-in-law, she thinks he's stupid and yes, sometimes he does stupid stuff, but doesn't everyone? E says she loves me, but how do I really know? What makes me so special that I don't get put on the crapper list with the majority of the human race??
Anyway, because he told me that he'd love her more, I have felt a power struggle with her in my own head. I try not to let it show ever, because I don't want to make waves. I thought once I had a child of my own I would feel better because she would have her son and I would have mine. But now I'm way possesive of D. I don't want her to be around. I think I'm worried that she will make D love her more than me!!
I know that sounds totally insane, but I have my reasons. When I go back to work I will be working on the weekends. So I won't be there to do the fun stuff like go places, take him to the zoo for the first time, take him to the tulip fields and watch his big eyes see all the colors. She will be there with E and D to do all the things I want to do with them and I will be left out.
*Sigh*
I am truly going crazy. I need serious help.
E wants big family gatherings. He never had a big family and big barbques and parties and people hanging out together. That is how I grew up and know that they can be fun, so what is my problem? Why do I want my life to be just the three of us? Why am I being so possesive of my guys?
Maybe I'll get over it once D is home. I'll have had the chance to be his mom and not just a visitor. I'll get to be the main caregiver and not just someone that watches from the sidelines. I'll be able to hold him when I want, dress him in what I think is cute and not have to watch other people be "mom" to him. (Oh, that sentence hurt!) Maybe I feel like I have no control over what's happining to him and no control in his care, so I'm lashing out at other people that care about him.
Very interesting. I wonder where that realization came from. I think I need to chew on that one for a while.