2004-06-29
Saturday night an overwhelming sense of depression washed over me and I havn't been able to shake it. Since then I've just cried and cried and felt so angry at people.It all started when I was holding D and trying to balance him on my hand while I slipped his sleeper under him. I didn't like the way I was holding him, it didn't look right and the look on his face was sheer panic and that one little look made me feel so bad. I felt right then that I was going to be a horrible mom. What if I bring him home and hurt him? Drop him or put him in some sort of danger. I know nothing about babies. All this is really scaring me.
I also worry about him so much. He is growing so good and seems to be doing fine so naturally I'm just waiting for something to be wrong. I'm just waiting for bad news. I'm really trying to remain positive but it is my nature to worry.
I'm so angry right now. I'm mad at my dad because I feel like he is in denial about my childhood. Doesn't he remember how crappy he treated us? How he would act like he didn't want us around? He wouldn't buy us clothes or shoes unless my mom begged him too, but he had a $2000 bike with all the fixings and a memebership to an expensive fitness club. There were weeks he wouldn't talk to my brother and me unless it was to tell us to do something or that he was going to kick our asses. Normal conversations were out of the question. He would ignore us and just walk off if we tried to talk to him. That simple rejection was such a heart killer.
Now (and really ever since my mom left) he wants to only remember all the good times. He finally saw a therapist and she suggested he make a collage of the good times we had. So now he has "memories" of all the wonderful times we had as a family and I wonder where the hell he came up with them. He said to me one day "Look at all the pictures we have. We're smiling, we always had a great time!" What I didn't tell him is that no one takes pictures when they are upset and angry.
He wants to be the "#1 grandpa" in D's life, buying him a car seat, stroller and a crib for when D visits him and his wife (we only go over there maybe once every 6 months), planning to take him on overseas trips, but truth be told, I really don't want him around. I'm so bitter right now. I guess it's because when I look at Dominic I see someone that I want to love and take care of. Why didn't my dad feel that way about my brother and me? I pray to God that I can be a better parent with D and that I never make him feel like I don't want him or that I regret having him. It hurts so bad and it leaves a scar that will never go away.
(I'm mad at other people but I can't dig up all the bones, for this entry would be huge!)
With all this weighing on my mind I'm feeling sad, worried and anxious. During my post-partum appointment the nurse told E that he is the one that needs to keep an eye on me and let me know if I get to the point where I'm losing it. Last night he came to me to tell me just that. He told me that if I don't call them he would. So I will call them later and hopefully there will be someone I can talk to.
I do realize how hard I am on myself. I need to remember that I barely had a baby, by c-section no less, a little more than 4 weeks ago. I really havn't given my body (or my mind) a chance to rest and recover. I've been cleaning and doing errands and running to the hospital when ever I can. So the next couple of days I'm going to take it easy. Try to rest my head and try to get rid of these bitter blues because I hate feeling this way. And the worst part is that I don't want to pass this negativity to D. I want him to only feel love.
I need to go give the nurse a call...