2004-06-21
This weekend I had a realization about myself and pictures:#1. When it comes to a picture of baby D and I'm in it--no one is looking at my big fat face. Nobody cares how I look. They are looking at him.
#2. No matter how crappy I think I look, it's not about me, it's about the memories.
Wow, how self centered have I been?
There is a picture of me and E and I'm holding D. They both look so cute! But as for me--I'm too close to the camera and it makes my head and neck look huge! This particular picture is a real favorite of everyone elses. When I saw it printed out at my in-laws I practically shouted "I HATE that picture!!! The boys look so cute and I look like CRAP!!" Everyone got quiet and I felt embarrased! Who cares how I look?! The baby looks wonderful! No tubes in him, his little eyes are open for the world to see. And all I care about is ME!
I take it back: I love that picture! My son and husband look wonderful and handsome in it and I'm so lucky to have them both.
I have decided no matter how I look or how crappy I feel about myself and my weight, I will take pictures with my family and smile and love it. There are hardly any pictures of the women in my family because they were all big ladies and they ran away in shame when a camera came out. I realize I do the same. I've done better with pictures lately since my husband is always clicking away at me and I'm more used to it than I used to be, but I no longer want to deny anyone, including myself, of memories that we are capturing. They are so special and I want to remember all the wonderful times in my life!