2004-06-07
Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and how well I�m handling everything and truthfully, I feel like a fraud. Inside my heart is a deep sadness that wants to bubble up. I feel like I�m one quick minute from a psychotic breakdown. Saturday, I spent all but two hours crying and screaming. Seriously. It wasn�t pretty. Sometimes I don�t feel like I�m a mommy and that hurts. I see other people carrying their babies or strolling them around and I want to say �Hey, I�m somebody�s mommy too!� It makes me so sad that I just want to lie down and cry my eyes out. There feels like such a void in my heart, at times I can barely stand it.Still, I�m trying to remain positive and focus on the good sides of it. He�s not sick, he�s not needing a transfusion, or having kidney problems like other children I see, so therefore I�ve been trying to remember to thank God and ask him to get me through. On Sunday, the Dr even called D a �remarkable� baby! I think I�m pretty lucky and before I know it he will be home keeping me up all night! Yay!
I�ve been doing Kangar00 Care which is skin on skin contact. I hold D while he only wears a diaper close to my bare chest, nuzzled right between my bazooms. He just snuggles in and sleeps while I sing or tell him how much I love him. He has the most kissable, soft little head! I�ve read it is so helpful to preemies. Studies show that they eat better, breath better, grow faster and in some cases are able to come home faster because they are so stable! I�ll try it if it helps my little one grow big!
One thing I am not is a good diaper changer. Today, while wiping away some poo poo I smelled some urine-y smell. He peed all over his tummy! I cleaned it up, but he still smelled. I hope that I didn�t get it on his head, for pete�s sake! I feel so dumb that I�m 30 years old and I can�t change my poor baby�s diaper! No wonder he cries when he sees me coming at him with a clean one! Is there a manual I can pick up? I�ll have to look into that!
I weighed my self yesterday and was 211.5. I don�t think I�m eating enough actually. Between driving over an hour each way to see him and trying to make time to pump my breasts (which I was told to do at least 8 times a day, 15 to 20 mins each time!) Not to mention the cleaning of the pump parts� (Actually, I should be doing that instead of writing this entry!) Anyway, needless to say, I guess I�m losing weight, but not in any healthy way. I think I need some fruit and healthy snacks that I can eat on the run. That would help. I need to remember to keep my nutrition up, that is the important thing! I need to make healthy milk for my growing boy!