Life is a journey, one step at a time.

2004-02-08

I've made it through three weekends of x-ray school already! Time goes by so fast sometimes. I have next weekend off because of Valentine's day. How sweet!

Today as we were walking into T@rget (my favorite store!) there was a young beauty with long brown hair and a great butt. Two of E's favorite things. I saw him glance a couple of times, not too leerishly, but just glance. It made me so mad! Not that he looked-I understand men will be boys and they just have this reflex to look at pretty women. What made me mad was that no matter how hard I try, no matter how much weight I lose, I will never look like she did. I try not to let it bother me, but deep down it does. I get jealous. Why do I have to be fat? Why did I have to have an eating problem all my life? Why me?

I often wonder why I got stuck being an overweight person and why it's been such a struggle all my life. I also wonder what is in a thin person's head? I can kind of get an idea since I'm married to a thin person and it amazes me that he doesn't think about food all the time, only when he's hungry or when he needs to start dinner. Me, I think about food and eating almost all of my waking hours. Is it a chemical in my brain or is it just a habit? Is it covering something emotional? Can I ever get control over whatever it is?

The bigger question: Will I pass this on to my children?

Dear sweet baby, I will try not to pass this demon on to you. I will also try not to pass on any of the body issues and self hatred I've had over my life. I hope you grow up strong and confident and enjoy being you.

Sometimes I really worry.

On a really bizarre note: last night I had a creepy dream (more like a nightmare!) that I was in some big orgy house with E and my MOM!!! I'm still seeing these horrible images that I can't seem to get out of my head! I'm so grossed out and disgusted!!

Barf!

I may need a lobotomy!

Good night, and please, sweet dreams!