2003-08-03
I have changed my weigh-in day to Saturday because I am impatient and can�t wait one more day. Yesterday when I got on the scale I just about freaked!225.5!
I haven�t been that low since last year. That is about a four-pound loss. Now, I know that it�s quiet a lot and half of it is probably water weight, but I am so happy that I did so well!
On Friday after work I stopped at a little accessory store to look for some toe rings. I wanted to reward myself for doing so good last week. They had a lot to choose from, but only a couple caught my eye. I loved the shape of one of them, but it had a little symbol on it and the word �peace�. I thought it was kind of cheesy, but I bought it anyway.
Saturday morning when I put it on and looked down at my foot, something hit me. The word peace was so fitting. I realized that I want peace with my body. One of the reasons I have never stuck to a diet was because I know that once I lose the weight, my body will not look perfect. My skin will be saggy from all of the years of overeating. I always felt that all of the hard work of losing weight would not pay off. I would always think about that and be so pissed off at myself. I would hate myself and scream at my reflection in the mirror �WHY? Why did I let myself go so bad? Why wasn�t I born to be skinny? Why do I have to be such an out of control cow? Why can�t I stop eating?� So many times I would punch my hateful stomach and cry. Only to wake up the next day with angry black bruises that I would hide, even from myself.
It breaks my heart to reread those words. It makes me so sad that anyone would hate their own body that much. I don�t want to anymore. I want peace.
All day yesterday I thought very hard about my body and all it�s goodness. I thought about all it can do. I can run, not very far mind you, but last weekend I ran about 1/8 of a mile and felt surprised, yet good. I can dance, hike, garden. I can hug and comfort people when they need it. I can make love to my husband and snuggle up with him afterwards. And hopefully soon I will carry another life and care for that little child. All these things make me realize that even though I am over weight and out of shape, my body is not a horrible thing that needs to be abused and hurt. It needs to be taken care of and treated kindly.
Today I feel a little more peaceful.
Thank you little toe ring. I will wear you with pride.